Couples come to therapy for all types of problems, and sometimes what we see with couples who are entering mid-life (ie, 35-45 years of age), is problems that arise for the couple due to one partner mistaking a call for adventure as a call for an affair. A reader recently inquired about this and I thought a response here made some sense.
At mid-life it’s often the case that we’ve achieved those goals we set for ourselves in our early adulthood. We’ve successfully achieved academic goals, established ourselves in a profession, acquired a certain degree of financial stability, purchased a home, established a community of support, had children, in short, all those important goals that were there in the 20’s and early 30’s have been met. It’s at this point that we can find ourselves asking, “What’s next?” This is an important question and one with an enormous amount of psychological validity, because it suggests the opening towards the developmental processes implied in entering the second half of life. And what’s that. Well, in short, it’s a call for adventure.
A call to adventure is important because it signals that the time has come to expand the self, to grow as a person, to reach out and challenge one self in new and novel ways. Mid-life is often a time when just such growth is required. However, it’s quite often the case that the call to adventure that one finds at mid-life can get read as a call to an affair. How’s that. Well, asking, “what’s next” for one’s life can imply a number of things, but most importantly it often suggest that one has reached a threshold with the life they have created in terms of the satisfaction one can get from it. At a certain point, if one does not take seriously the need to seek out new avenues of growth that support satisfaction and happiness, one can mistakenly begin to think that thier partner is “holding them back”, that their life is “boxing them in.” Equally so, one can become simply bored with the routine of daily life. Under such circumstances, it’s not uncommon for one partner to find themselves vulnerable to an affair.
In the context in which I’m speaking here, an affair is really a misplaced call to adventure. Whereas it certainly is adventurous to have an affair, the by-product in terms of suffering and destructiveness to others tells us that this is really a misplaced call to adventure, one that has enormous implications in terms of time, money, and stress, for one’s self, one’s partner, children, and one’s extended family. In short, the suffering that can arise form the adventure of an affair tells us that what were really dealing with here is a misplaced call to adventure in the person that opens up their world in novel ways and which makes them feel good, confident, sexy, alive and vital.
The take home message here is that mid life is a time when we often feel a call to adventure, however, it’s equally common for one to find themselves living out a call to adventure in the context of an extra-marital affair, or considering an affair as a solution to a life that has become boring or overly routine. Certainly, at mid-life one’s relationship may need a tune-up. Most long-term investments do require periodic tuning and adjustments over the lifetime. The note to sound here is that most relationship problems have solutions and at mid-life the call to support a partner as they embrace a call to adventure is one of the most positive outcomes that can arise when this type of issues is on the table. I’ve seen partners recognize that they need to try a new sport, learn to fly, get a boat, learn a new language, travel, go back to school, open a business. At mid-life these are various expressions of the call to adventure. Learning that our partners support such processes is often one of the most important aids in helping focus mid-life as a time of growth and fulfillment that ultimately benefits both partners, and the family.
At PsychotherapyWorks, we have enormous expertise in working with couples. Dr. Kothari brings experience in working with couples of all ages, races, and lifestyles. We will work with you so that your relationship can bring you the greatest possible satisfaction. After all you deserve that.
We invite your comments and questions and ask that you share your insights and observations with us.
