Stress Part 2

Virtually everything that happens to us has the potential to be a stressor. Some common causes of chronic stress include:

1. Time, 2. Responsibilities, 3. Personal problems, 4. Work, 5. Lack of sleep, 6. Bottled up emotions, and 7. Pressure of finances.

What makes an enormous difference is the management of these sources of stress. By management, I mean how one internalizes what happens to us. Internalization of stress is a process and the process is shaped by our attitudes. Some of these attitudes can lead to an increase in stress and include:

1. Worrying about situations we can’t control

2. Not seeing choices that are available to us to manage difficulties

3. Inability to successfully access the importance of certain outcomes

4. Unrealistic expectations

5. Being overly self-critical

6. Ignoring positive feedback from friends, partners, loved ones

7. Expecting a neat and easy solution

8. An all or nothing approach

Bearing these in mind, at PsychotherapyWorks our model of treatment includes a  number of important interventions that, once practiced and rehearsed over time, can replace stress management strategies that are not working.  Such strategies include:

1. Refuting irrational beliefs of all kinds

2. Practicing positive self talk

3. Limiting comittments so that one is not overworked

4. Learning to relax

5. Using exercise to release tension

6. Learning appropriate time management

7. Learning how not to over-magnify events.

8. Learning the value of play for everyday success and happiness

Some reminders along the way:

1. Don’t sweat the small stuff

2. When managed well, it’s all small stuff

In the final analysis, too little stress makes for a boring, frustrating and basically unproductive life. Too much stress can leave us overwhlmed, irritable, exhausted and sometimes even sick. Just enough stress helps us feel motivated, excited, creative, energized, and vital.

Stress effects everybody, young children, children, adolesecents, young adults, and adults, couples, and the elderly. At PsychotherapyWorks we have used original and well researched methods to treat stress in all these populations. Check out our web site and let us know what you think.

Stress Management 101/Part 1: What is stress?

Recently I gave a talk on Stress for local professionals in the Northern Virginia area and since it was so well received it seemed a natural progression to make the data all the more available through this blog.

Its true that in my work as a psychologist I am every day working on the fundamentals of stress management. It’s not uncommon for me to say when life gives you lemons make lemonade, and then to help clients learn the simple ways in which they can shift their attitudes and behaviors about events, and experience real change in their experience of stress.

So, let’s define stress. First, stress is the body’s effort to cope with danger in life. At the most basic level, the physiology of stress is the body’s reaction to danger, change, boredom, frustration, anger, and fear. Overall, whatever is outside of the normal patterns of our daily experience, whatever tends to intrude into our lives in ways that shake things up, can be the cause of stress.

During the experience of stress, the muscular system prepares for one of two things: fight or flight. Not properly managed over the long term, stress can result in back pain, headaches, arthritis, and other muscular difficulties.

To manage the intensity of the fight or flight response, the Glandular System helps us by providing adrenaline, epinephrine, and other hormones so that we can rise to the occasion and meet the challenges implied in the stressor. However, if we don’t really manage stress well enough, what we find is that over time gastric problems, ulcers, and other intestinal difficulties can occur.

Another physiological phenomena associated with stress is related to the Autonomic Nervous System. This system regulates the parts of our bodies that work automatically: the heart beats faster, breathing becomes shallow, digestion slows, and as these processes occur, the body prepares for fight or flight. Because autonomic responses are implied in the stress reaction, the failure to handle stress appropriately can result in a variety of cardiovascular problems, high blood pressure, and nervous conditions, all of which can effect the quality and quantity of life.

Overall, stress is more than anything a fact of life and thus we are required to work on developing methods of managing stress that work for the preservation of the best quality of life possible (not only for ourselves, but also for our families). So, the central concept for managing stress is maintaining a deliberate and constant focus on the quality of life, ensuring that one is, in fact, pursuing work, love, and recreation that is satisfying, challenging, and fulfilling.

Thus, when it comes to stress, one cannot totally control events. And the good news is that you don’t have to. Rather, it’s important to know that the key to stress management is not controlling events, but controlling ones reaction to events and the stress that is produced. That said, there’s a basic stress equation. Stress is the byproduct of two things: an event and a reaction to the event. So the equation reads this way: An event + A reaction = Stress. The take home message is that stress is not simply something that happens to us. The cause or event may actually be neutral. It is one’s reaction to an event that creates the stress.

In this posting we have examined some of the physiological attributes of stress and explored the stress equation in order to answer the question: What is stress? Next week, we will look at the causes of stress specifically and ways to strategically manage stress.

Schools In (Managing Transitions)

Well it’s that time of year, when we labor through the hottest part of our summer months and inch our way forward towards a new academic year. Yes, in most areas, we are a short 3-4 weeks away from the first day of school. All across the country, our children are savoring those last days of “freedom” and department stores are readying their “back-to-school” advertising. Soon, the papers and TVs will be littered with all manner of back to school stuff. Certain jurisdictions will even sponsor tax-free shopping days to attract your business. Yes indeed, the school year is just around the corner.

Whereas for many children this time of year is exciting, it’s also a time of change and transition that is ripe with all kinds of psychological concerns. Whenever we see transitions in a child’s school experience, it certainly the case that the child/adolescent will be challenged. Certain of these challenges include: meeting new peers, navigating an unfamiliar environment, meeting new teachers, adapting to new levels of expectations, new structures for organizing the day, new foods, new everything. Adapting to so many changes is challenging to anybody, but especially for children. Easing the transitions and helping children adapt is an enormous priority for parents, and if your child is transitioning in any way from one school to another, it’s considerably important to be aware of how your child is managing the stress implied in navigating the change. Here’s a remarkable story of one such change.

A family that I was working with reported that their 3 year old daughter was getting ready to move from one daycare to a new daycare. This family was employed by an institution that had two day care centers, one for the first 2 and half years of life and the other for 2.5 to kindergarten. Since their daughter was 3 years old it was time for her and her friends to move to the new day care. To help the child, she went daily for a period of two weeks to the new day care center to meet her new teachers, become familiar with her new room, and overall, to gain a measure of safety in her sense of belonging to the new daycare center. Meanwhile, at the old center she was in the process of saying goodbye to all her old teachers, old rooms, and her existing daycare center recognized that it was important to honor this part of the child’s transition.

During this period of change, the parents reported that their daughter came to their bed one morning, woke up both parents, and told them a dream she had. She told them that she had a dream that she was in a plane and that she was going somewhere. Mommy was driving the plane and everything was OK. The plane landed and it was “all OK.” Daddy was there to see us when the plane landed.

This is a marvelous dream and I explored with the family the way in which the dream suggested that the child was acutely aware of being in a transition from one place to another (the plane), that the transition was safely anchored (mommy driving the plane), that the transition would go smoothly–that she would have little difficulty adapting to the process (the plane landed and it was “all OK”), and that she would feel embraced by the teachers and structure of the new center (she lands and her daddy is there is greet her).

What I found truly marvelous about this dream is that it suggests what we know as psychologists, that is, that children undergo psychological processes that are remarkable when their life propels them into transitional periods. What more, the parents of the child were concerned about their daughter’s transitional process between daycare centers and were concerned that she make a successful transition. Their concerns were warranted, and we were able to see in the dream a communication to the parents that their daughter’s transition would be safe and successful. Recognizing that the daughter’s psychological process was secure, the parents were able to let-go of the stress they had about their daughter’s transition and simply be as supportive as possible for their daughter. In the end, the parents were less stressed, felt more secure about their daughter’s process, and their child made a seamless transition between centers, and is thriving in the new daycare center.

This story echos a familiar theme: that our psychological constitution is at work in the transitional periods of our lives and that attending to the psychological needs of our children when their in such phases of their life is really the best possible expression of our parenting. Making children feel safe, allowing them to express their feelings, appropriately monitoring their safety, giving them space to adequately say goodbye to previous teachers, schools, classes, encouraging their capacity to adapt and meet the challenges of their new environments, managing our own stress during their transitions, all of this and more is the stuff of good parenting when our children are transitioning.

And it’s quite clear that children of all ages are so challenged. Whether it’s transitioning to new schools, to new grades, moving between schools in a community (from home or daycare to kindergarten to elementary school, middle school and finally, high school), or to college; the psychological process at work in adapting to the new place and all the challenges therein constituted are a core component of successfully managing the transition.

Now, what are some of the markers that suggest that our children are having problems making the transition. First and foremost, a change in the usual experience you as a parent have of your child. Are you noticing a shift in your child’s behavior with you, with siblings, with friends that seems out of sorts with how you know your child to be. A dramatic shift in your child’s behavior may suggest the need to talk with your child about how they are managing their new environment and how they feel about the new place, as well as their feelings about any old places they may be transitioning from. The take home message here is for parents to be mindful of their children’s behavior during transitional phases of their life and to give them as many opportunities as necessary to talk with you about what’s happening for them. Secondly, are you seeing aggressive behaviors, angry behaviors, irritation that seems out of keeping with your child’s usual behavior. What we have noted over years of working with children is that so often a child who is struggling with a transition will evidence a new-found aggression. Rest assured that this is not an end in itself, but rather is an attempt by the child to get some help by getting attention paid to them. Third, are you seeing a change in academic performance that does not seem to fit how you have known the academic abilities of your child. Such a change may indicate a number of things, such as the need for a parent-teacher conference, for adjustment of the child’s learning environment. Equally so, it may indicate a problem with hearing, vision, or attention and focus problems. Moreover, an academic shift may suggest that there is an emerging area of academic weakness for the child that requires support. Finally, an unusual change in your child’s academic performance may suggest problems with peer affiliation, and could be the result of feeling overwhelmed by new peers, being bullied by certain peers, or a host of other peer related and environmental concerns.

Perhaps the single most important role for our children is played by the parents in, what Dr. Kothari calls, being “mindful” of your child’s transition, paying attention to their process, noticing shifts in their personality, behaviors, and overall mood. Research on children suggests that the more the parent is appropriately tuned in to their children’s psychological processes of adapting during times of transition, the more successful the child will be in meeting the challenges of the transition.

Sometimes our children have difficulties making transitions and the problems implied may be scary, overwhelming, or simply painful. Whenever your seeing problems that rise to such a level of concern it’s often helpful to seek out professional consultation and the research is clear, the sooner the better. At PsychotherapyWorks we are dedicated to your child’s health and well-being and Dr. Kothari is an expert in understanding the enormous web of factors that are implied in the relationship between your family and your child’s educational process. Consultation is often the most helpful way to ease your mind, acquire much needs supports for the family and the child, as well as assistance and advocacy for your child’s rights within their school system.

We invite your comments and questions about the content of this blog and hope to hear from you about ways in which you are working to support your children. Do not hesitate to write back.